Sunday, November 20, 2005

My first short story

This is the first short story i've wrote in the past few weeks. it was for my english class but i found it rather enjoyable. Its based on the same princples as the arthurian legends its not too great, considering i wrote it in under an hour. I will probably make a better longer version in the future but for now this will have to do.

In the land of Rathus, a land of unparalleled beauty, untouched by time and technology, a land that could almost be confused with heaven, Two great kings existed, Lord Orso Dorato The golden knight, a giant with unparalleled strength and skill , the possessor of the sacred armor of Heimdall, and the blade of Hodur. And Lord Magnus Fellblood, A fiend incarnate, Lord of all things corrupt and dark, Harbinger of death and destruction, Owner of Fenris’ Armor, and the blade of Magni.
On the most sacred of days Einherjar, Lord Orsos’ wife to be Elizabeth Brittania Eaton has fallen ill, Lord Orso remains by her side through her troubled sleep she wakes with a start exclaiming “Milord!” This rouses the sleeping Orso from his unintentional slumber “ARM THE SENTRYS!!” he exclaims still within his dream when he realizes he is awake he blushes sheepishly. “Erm…What is it Elizabeth?” he asks still slightly groggy. “Milord….I fear we shall soon be attacked by Magnus Fellblood….”. “ I told you not to call me Mi…. WHAT!?!” he exclaims “How do you know this?” “A vision Mi...Orso”
At the same time a similar event has occurred. Adrianna Fellblood is seen struggling to the throne room of her husband gasping for breath falling to her knees at his feet. “Magnus!” she gasps. “ What is it you forsaken wench?” he hisses at her. “Magnus I believe it is finally time to make our final stand against Orso and my wretched half sister.” Magnus laughs evilly. “How do you know this wench?”
“A vision Magnus…A vision…”
Orso can be seen still by Elizabeth’s side Calm as ever as soon as Elizabeth is back asleep he leaves the room and calls for a meeting of his most loyal and brave knights. “My brothers in arms and spirit, I fear a great battle is approaching.”
His most loyal knight Kolbrandr asks “ with who milord only one foe remains and surely he would not consider attacking after his last defeat”
“I fear it is so Kolbrandr, I also fear his forces will be twice the size and strength of last time.”
“Surely he cannot have raised such a force in so little time”
“Your queen to be has foreseen this...”
“She could be wrong sire.”
“Has she ever been wrong before?”
“No.”
And with that the other knights erupt in a din of fear and confusion causing Orso to lose his temper and silence them all by hewing the table in half with his great runed sword silencing them immediately and causing a few to disgrace themselves. “Gather all the troops and arm them with the best of the equipment we leave in a fortnight.” With that he storms out back to his future queen’s room.
Magnus can be seen conjuring the foulest and darkest demons laughing evilly he seems to be enjoying himself thoroughly calling out to Adrianna to fetch his armor and blade and receiving a long string of insults back to him as she comes to him carrying his armor and blade in a sack tossing it at his feet and cursing him as she leaves spitting at him before walking to her chamber.
Half a fortnight has passed and Orso has become restless and agitated training for hours on end threatening any who disturb him with death except for his now wife and queen. He reviews the troops daily thanking them for their loyalty and readiness so quickly. He tells them to spend the final weeks with their families and friends.
Finally the day has come when Orso and Magnus deploy their troops. Only to meet two days later on the battle field. Orso troops stand in reserved silence headed by the giant at least three heads taller than any other his golden armor shining in the fading sun as the dark king approaches with his loud loutish army following close behind ordering to attack mercilessly without honor to kill all they see.
Orso gives his signal to attack drawing his giant sword which gleams with a holy light in the coming darkness only to elicit a louder war cry from the fell beasts across the field. The dark lord draws his sword as well seeming to breed hatred with a mere glance at it. The armies collide in a bloody savage battle drenching the earth in the blood of human and hellion alike Until both forces retreat exhausted leaving a precious few on the battlefield, Consisting of Orso, Kolbrandr, Magnus and his most loyal henchman Agnarr locked in battle. Blow for blow Orso and Magnus continue for torturous hours on end blood flowing from their wounds neither seeming to weaken until Orso lands a stroke to Magnus’ chest cleaving his armor and giving him a mortal wound bringing a cry of utter terror from Agnarr as he sees the new fire in Kolbrandrs’ eyes now knowing he can win as did his lord. Kolbrandr cleaves Agnarrs helm with a mighty swing bringing the battle to a joyous end. Leaving Orso to walk away in a moment of silence for his fallen brethren.

Feel free to tell me what you think good or bad i really dont mind. I would appreciate it if tell me of any mistakes so i can fix it asap.

3 Comments:

Blogger GK said...

Wow ... intense. I'll be back with comments later, let me clear up some stuff at work and also think a bit more about your recent writings.

2:27 AM, November 21, 2005  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Orso,
considering that this is your first effort and the short story was written in less than an hour, i must say that it is a pretty good attempt. I think that your command of english is adequate, but to write a sword and sorcery story is not easy, you need to do some research on the subject.

I think your story lacks some imagery.For example, your battle scenes can be improved. Describe the battlefield : fought under an overcast sky, cavalry stopped by foot soldiers with pikes, arrows raining from the sky, the clank of swords on armour. You get the idea?

Try breaking up the story into shorter, related paragraphs. Let the reader take a pause in the reading.

These are my opinions on this story. maybe you can ask your english teachers to guide you and give you further pointers.

But most important of all, if you like writing, don't give up. And don't forget to read!

your blogger friend, dsnake1.

10:07 AM, November 22, 2005  
Blogger Anonymous Poet said...

Orso (Lee): You definitely have a talent for language. This a short piece. But it clips right along. With relatively few lines you introduce us to a new world and new people, create realistic dialogue, and set in motion a dramatic action sequence. The background and imagery are suggestive. Yet the characters do specific, concrete things as well.

In sum, this is an interesting little vignette. It reminds me of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, Norse mythology, and the Dragonlance series.

To some extent, I agree with dsnake that this could be made even more interesting with some additional detail. But I also agree with Gilbert Koh that the succinct form gives it a certain intensity and fast-paced character.

It would be interesting to see what you can do with a few revisions, or in an extended piece. Perhaps you should consider script-writing for movies?

12:19 PM, January 16, 2006  

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